Seeking Comfort
by silverthorned
Summary: Spike turns to a friend in the aftermath of "As You Were." 3rd from "Helping Heal".


Title: Seeking Comfort  
Author: silverthorned  
Rating: G  
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, creator  
Category: Tara/Spike friendship, Spike/Buffy  
Summary: Spike turns to a friend in the aftermath of "As You  
Were." 3rd from "Helping Heal".  
  
*  
  
'Oh, that's enough.'   
  
I closed the book, the slick pages slapping  
down in a sliding cascade. I closed my eyes, and I swore I could  
still see black letters swimming on the white page.  
  
I opened them and sighed. Long days in class, long nights  
studying and still everything I did couldn't quite push her out of  
my mind.  
  
The simple ritual of getting ready for bed left a lot of room for  
thoughts of her. Brushing my hair, her soft fingers on my scalp.  
Dressing for bed, in well-worn white linen pants, and a thin  
cotton top. She said once it was her favorite.  
  
I brushed my teeth and stared at myself in the mirror. All I saw  
was a girl with eyes too large for her face and lips that  
trembled from the knowledge that my love wasn't enough.  
  
I looked away from the mirror and shut the light off. The tiny  
apartment was all I could afford and the dirty carpet always made  
my feet itch. I practically hopped to my bed, scratching my heel.  
I flopped onto the bed, and shut my eyes anticipating sleep. The  
only escape from the pains of the day.  
  
I was just about to turn off the light and settle under the  
covers when the knock came. I looked at the time--1:20 am. I  
wearily tumbled out of bed and padded through the small hall to  
the door of the apartment.  
  
I opened it to see Spike.  
  
He looked up and there was a void in his eyes.  
  
He said, "Tara, she, she--"  
  
I reached out and took his hand and said, "Come in."  
  
I led him to the bed, and I sat down against the pillows, tucking  
my legs underneath me. He sat down, as well, on the edge, his  
shoulders bowed.  
  
"Tell me," I said.  
  
So he did, about the eggs, about Riley, about the fire, all of  
it, including Buffy. I listened, carefully. All his pain came  
pouring out in halted phrases, and broken sentences. He didn't  
look at me, I think he was too ashamed.  
  
When he finished, I put my hand on his and held it.  
  
He said, his voice choked, "I thought I hurt when Dru left. This  
doesn't even compare. I thought, I thought things would be  
different when Buffy came back, that we could start again. For a  
while, it was good, and then, then it turned wrong, and there was  
nothing I could do to stop it."  
  
"So she did it for you."  
  
He met my eyes, finally.  
  
I said, "You know it's better that she did. She can't handle it  
right now."  
  
He absorbed that silently. I waited and he nodded.  
  
He said, "She said our relationship was killing her. It's  
killing me, too. I can't--"  
  
He put his hand to his head, a gesture very like when the chip  
caused him pain. He closed his eyes and slowly shook his head.  
  
"She can't see past the demon, Tara, not like you. She doesn't  
need me, I'm just a reminder of what she hates the most."  
  
"That's not true. She does need you, she just can't admit it."  
  
He looked me in the eyes.  
  
"It's no use. I can't stay here. Not with the way things are.  
She won't ever love me. I'm better off someplace else, where we  
can't hurt each other."  
  
My heart felt like it'd stopped, to not see him again, no, I  
couldn't let it happen. I didn't care if I sounded needy--I had  
to make him understand.  
  
"Spike, what about me? I'd miss you. I _have_ missed you.  
Since Buffy's come back, you've barely acknowledged our  
friendship. I thought you cared about me more than that."  
  
His eyebrows drew together in dismay, but I continued.  
  
"Everyone, everyone comes and tells me their problems. I listen.  
It's what I do, but if you leave..."  
  
I trailed off, unable to continue.  
  
He said, "Willow really hurt you, didn't she?"  
  
Through tears, I said, "She broke my heart."  
  
In a low voice he said, "Paint us two fools."  
  
Then after a pause, "Come here."  
  
He held his arm out and I went, willingly. All fear of him had  
faded a long time ago, and his arms were a haven. I laid my head  
on his shoulder and we were still, in the aching numbness of  
loss.  
  
He murmured into my hair, after a while, "Why couldn't I have  
fallen for someone like you--kind, accepting, compassionate--"  
  
"Gay," I finished for him.  
  
He chuckled and I knew he would be okay, at least for now.  
  
I lifted my head to look at him.  
  
"Don't go, Spike. That's just cowardly, and you're not a coward.  
You can get through this."  
  
He said, "_We_ can get through this."  
  
I nodded.  
  
He stood.  
  
"I'd better go, let you get some sleep."  
  
"I'm always here for you, Spike, no matter what time it is," I  
reassured him.  
  
He said, "I-I missed you too. I didn't realize how much until  
now."  
  
I put my feet under my bed sheets and started to settle in. I  
smiled at him and said, "I love you, too."  
  
He sighed.  
  
"That's not what I said, pet."  
  
"I know, but you needed to hear it."  
  
He left and I lay awake for longer than I wanted to. Maybe I am  
just a little bit in love with him. Maybe I'm just lonely.  
Either way, I'm glad he'll still be around.  
  
End. 


End file.
